


Books and Stare Wars

by MadDub



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Clueless John, Don't Judge Me, I Don't Even Know, Karkat is an Angry Boss Guy, M/M, Rated for Karkat's Mouth, Silly, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1754993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadDub/pseuds/MadDub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and today, you are on a VERY IMPORTANT MISSION.</p>
<p>Said VERY IMPORTANT MISSION includes getting a JOB at the local crappy LIBRARY. Thankfully, it's currently a BLISTERINGLY HOT summer, and so you don't have to worry about walking THREE BLOCKS OF WINTERY WEATHER all the way there.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the library doesn't have an air conditioner, so you're kind of screwed anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Books and Stare Wars

**Author's Note:**

> This is my attempt at being funny. I don't think it worked.  
> Have I been banished from the fandom yet?

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and today, you are on a VERY IMPORTANT MISSION.

Said VERY IMPORTANT MISSION includes getting a JOB at the local crappy LIBRARY. Thankfully, it's currently a BLISTERINGLY HOT summer, and so you don't have to worry about walking THREE BLOCKS OF WINTERY WEATHER all the way there.

Unfortunately, the library doesn't have an air conditioner, so you're kind of screwed anyways.

 

===> JOHN: TRY TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION

 

This is easy, as you aren't a very quiet person and have no reason to not act like a complete doofus.

You walk up to the counter without any hesitation and begin waving your arms around in a RIDICULOUSLY DERPY manner, but fail to gain the attention of the troll on counter duty. It seems the other man has his face shoved nose-deep into a girly ROMANCE NOVEL.

 

===>JOHN: FAIL TO NOTICE THE TROLL IS IGNORING YOU

 

That isn't hard at all, since you're practically clueless!

Now not only are you waving your arms about in a RIDICULOUSLY DERPY manner, but are also whispering, "Hey! Hey, you! Heeeeeellllllloooo!"

You fail to notice when the troll pushes his face further into the book.

Perhaps he simply didn't hear you? Well, you could take care of that!

 

===>BEGIN RINGING TEMPTING BELL INCESSANTLY

 

You begin to ring said bell incessantly.

It's a little silver thing on the counter, practically DEMANDING that you hit it AS FAST AS YOU CAN, AS MANY TIMES AS YOU CAN WITHOUT STOPPING. You think to yourself as you smile and continue to hit it that you have never heard a noise more BEAUTIFUL. It was like that bell was made for you to INCESSANTLY RING.

It is successful in getting the troll worker's attention. With a colorful curse, he slams his ROMANCE NOVEL down on to the desk and levels you with the single most INTIMIDATING DEATH GLARE OF A THOUSAND DEADLY DEATHS you have ever before seen. His powers of glaring are so astonishing, you bet he could even beat your friend ROSE LALONDE at deathly death glares!

Perhaps the BEAUTIFUL RINGING of the EVER TEMPTING BELL annoyed this worker? But no, surely not. Such PERFECTION would never be able to cause such irritation.

"What do you want, fucknut?" the worker growls, crossing his arms over his chest but REFUSING to leave his even more tempting SPINNY CHAIR.

 

===>JOHN: CONTEMPLATE THE CHANCES OF YOU GETTING A SPINNY CHAIR

 

You seriously doubt your father would ever buy you another wheeled device after what you did to your OLD RICKETY WAGON, despite the fact that you had ever so patiently told him it was just an ACCIDENT. So what if it killed both of Grandma's cats? They were VICIOUS FELINES of Betty Crocker and deserved TERRIBLE DEATHS.

 

===>JOHN: BE ANNOYED WORKER

 

You cannot become the ANNOYED WORKER right now. First of all, you are neither EMPLOYED nor ANNOYED just yet, and secondly, this kind gentleman asked you a question you fully intend to answer right about now!

"I was wondering if you had any job openings?" You ask, scratching the back of your head awkwardly.

Man, you really need to grow some balls. Where's all of your super-real and totally awesome MANGRIT?

 

===>JOHN: HARVEST SUPER-REAL AND TOTALLY AWESOME MANGRIT

 

But alas, your MANGRIT has abandoned you! It seems you will have to fulfill this mission with your usual DORKY AWKWARDNESS.

 

===>JOHN: BE THE TROLL LIBRARY WORKER

 

You are now the troll library worker.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you cannot understand what this DUMBASS HUMAN is saying. Even with your SUPERIOR TROLL HEARING, the nookstain is mumbling too lowly for you to hear him. Oh well, it matters not to you. You'll just tell him to pull his shit together and march his squishy pink rump AWAY.

 

===>KARKAT: ASK AWKWARD MONKEY TO SPEAK UP

 

No. You want to tell him to go AWAY.

 

===>ASK AWKWARD MONKEY TO SPEAK UP

 

What did you just say? You have no intentions of being NICE or FRIENDLY to this bumbling fool! Just look at that PROFOUNDLY LOST expression! Or the sheer IDIOCY shining dully in his blue ocular orbs!

 

===>ASK AWKWARD MONKEY TO SPEAK UP, DOUCHEBAG

 

Why should you? He doesn't have anything to offer you.

 

===>KISS THE AWKWARD MONKEY

 

HELL NO.

 

===>ASK AWKWARD MONKEY TO SPEAK UP

 

You have no plans on stopping these stupid demands, do you? Fine. You ask the stupid bananabeast to speak up, and watch with DECREASING PATIENCE as the moron flushes the color of YOUR BLOOD. It is the single most disturbing and strangely erotic thing you've seen all day.

Did all humans flush that color?

The human says something, but you don't hear it, too busy STARING openly at his FACE like a CREEPER. You doubt he notices, however, as his gaze is fixed on your CLASSIC NOVEL detailing all the PERAILS OF LOVE, BETRAYAL, AND DRAMA. You swear to gog if they kill Edwin, you are going to let out the most BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM OF RIGHTEOUS FURY ever yet heard by human ear flaps. That is how mad you will be.

 

===>YOU TALK TOO MUCH

 

Excuse the hell out of you?

 

===>KARKAT: BE JOHN AGAIN

 

You are now JOHN EGBERT once again.

Though you repeated your question, the WORKER has made no move to answer you, and so you speak up at him again, wondering why he is so silent.

You find him STARING BLANKLY at you, with absolutely ZERO EMOTION what-so-ever, and to be frank, it is beginning to SCARE you just a little. Was he planning on beating you up behind the building? Or did he simply mean to PRANK you by staring at you until you finally BREAK? Well, if this was a PRANK, this troll had another thing coming! You are the best at them. It is you. You are the MASTER of all the PRANKS.

 

===>JOHN: ACCPET STARE-PRANK CHALLENGE

 

You accept the STARE-PRANK CHALLENGE and begin to stare every bit as BLANKLY back at the worker. Just in case this works like a regular STARING CONTEST, you hold yourself back from blinking, even though your eyes have already begun to sting and water a bit.

The BATTLE OF STARES becomes so intense the world around you FADES A LITTLE, leaving just the two of you in your own personal bubble of space and silence.

The troll is very good, a real SOLDIER IN PRANKING, but a SOLDIER is nothing compared to a KING, which is exactly what you are when it comes to the amazing WORLD OF PRANKS. He fights valiantly, but you fight all the more.

Eventually, he blinks as if he's coming out of a daze, and when he notices you STARING SILENTLY at him without blinking ONCE, he appears slightly CREEPED OUT.

"What in the blood-letting fuck are you doing right now?" he demands, leaning away from you.

 

===>JOHN: BE THE WINNER

 

You are so proud of yourself! You won the BATTLE OF STARES!

See? Didn't you say you were the MASTER and KING OF PRANKS? The answer is yes. It is you. You are both the MASTER and KING of all PRANKS. Your Nana and Dad can go and suck it.

You smile widely, basking in your ULTIMATE VICTORY. "So, how about them jobs, hmm?"

The worker—because that is his decided name, as you would have no way to know he was christened KARKAT VANTAS—blinks at you as if you just announced you were a baby rock and promptly summersaulted out of the building. "Jobs? Who said we had jobs open?"

"The sign outside," you reply, jerking your thumb in the direction of what you hope is a window, still grinning.

You can't help but keep smiling. After all, you are and will forever be the WINNER of awesome STARING/PRANKING BATTLES.

"Sign?" the troll asks, grimacing as he glared over at the window you successfully pointed to. Score two for you, zero for library worker!

"Yeah!"

"Well, that's too damn bad. Some idiot must have left that sign out there on accident, because I can assure you we don't have any positions open," he says, picking his girly ROMANCE NOVEL up once more and planting his face so far in to its pages you fear he is going to KISS them.

"What? I want to talk to the manager about this!" You whine indignantly.

Hey, you walked all the way here, the least they could do was give you a JOB INTERVIEW! Otherwise, you'd be forced to help your Nana SEW UGLY SWEATERS and sell them on the INTERNET.

You really didn't want to SEW UGLY SWEATERS on the INTERNET.

"You're speaking to him, fuckass," the troll answers you, not bothering to take his face out of his girl book.

You frown at him. And continue frowning. And continue frowning, saying absolutely nothing. The worker ignors you for several moments, probably assuming you'd already LEFT, but when he glanced up from his book again, he JUMPS when he sees you are still standing there, FROWNING DOWN AT HIM with a look of UTTER INTIMIDATION.

 

===>JOHN: BE GRUMPY LIBRARY MANAGER

 

You are now the grumpy library manager, otherwise known as KARKAT VANTAS.

This CREEPY ASS kid is just standing there, staring down at you with a look that makes you WONDER FOR HIS MENTAL HEALTH. He looks like he's about to have a SEIZURE or some shit. Is he trying to wordlessly ask you for help? He looks seriously messed up in the thinkpan.

 

===>KARKAT: ATTEMPT TO CONTINUE READING

 

You attempt to ignore him and continue reading. Screw his mental health; it isn't any of your concern anyhow.

However, try as hard as you might, this human is seriously beginning to BUG THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

He just continues STANDING there, STARING down at you with that seizure-look. It is the most perturbing thing you've seen all day. And yet, having those WIDE BLUES staring so intensely at you, practically SEERING in to you, it does something. To you. To your body. It makes you shiver and get goose bumps. Your blood-pusher fluttered and sped up, and you can feel warmth rising to your face.

You aren't entirely sure why having him STARE AT YOU is giving you this strange reaction, but the feeling only increased as he continued, so with a sigh, you put your CLASSIC NOVEL down in your lap and growl, "Fine. You can have a job. Now will you please leave me alone?"

The douchebag has the nerve to CHEER TRIUMPHANTLY in the middle of the damn library, so you throw your book at him.

 

* * *

 

===>JOHN: BE LATE FOR YOUR FIRST DAY

 

That needed no command, as you are already very late for your first day on the job.

 

===>JOHN: RUN LIKE THE DEVIL IS ON YOUR HEELS

 

As far as you're concerned, he IS on your heels.

"EGBERT, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I WILL TEAR YOU PIECE BY BLOODY FUCKING PIECE UNTIL YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN GORY CONFETTY MEANT TO BE THROWN JOYFULLY AT THE PARTIES OF THOSE YOU LOVE!" Karkat screeches behind you, chasing you with angry eyes and a six-hundred-page hardback raised in one gray hand.

You want to laugh, but with your lungs currently lacking oxygen as it is, you decide that would be a Bad Idea.


End file.
